Nick is almost 13 months old already, he has eight teeth, he loves to feed himself finger foods, and is so close to taking his first steps. Over the weekend, I packed away his nine and 12 month outfits to pass down to my nephew, as Nick's pudgy thighs and belly are almost ready for 18 month clothing. I know the baby stage is coming to a close for us…which makes me want to do it all over again.
While I was on bed rest, I vowed I would never be pregnant again. I even told my husband that at some point, I would start begging him for another baby and he would have to resist, because I could never go through another pregnancy like I had with Nick. At my yearly appointment, when I asked the NP hypothetically what another pregnancy would look like, she said that because of everything that happened with Nick, even if I had a totally routine pregnancy, it would still be considered high risk. She cautioned me that before we did anything, I should have a consult with maternal fetal medicine to discuss the likelihood of having another abruption, and the pregnancy would likely be closely monitored and require extra ultrasounds, extra appointments, etc. I remember how sick I was from the beginning with Nick, how I threw up almost daily and was exhausted trying to balance Annabelle and Graham, my job, and my pregnancy. But still.
I'm not stupid. I know I'm so lucky to have three healthy children, and I'm exceptionally fortunate that Nick is alive and thriving. I know our complications were out of the blue and rare, but I know that my history gives me a higher risk for having a repeat abruption. But still.
The thing that would bother me the most if Nick were to remain our youngest is that my pregnancies had to end with an emergency c-section and the NICU. As fortunate as I was to experience a "normal" birth twice before Nick came along, I missed out on so much with him. In addition to the trauma of an emergency c-section and the devastation of having to leave Nick three days later and spend the following 50 days apart, I missed out on so many little things that I enjoyed with his siblings and looked forward to when I learned I was pregnant with Nick. All the small things new moms are so fortunate to experience-having their baby sleep in the same room with them on the first night of their life, getting to introduce the baby to his siblings within hours of their delivery, hanging out as a family in the postpartum room-are all part of what makes the NICU such a loss.
After having a high risk pregnancy, it amazes me that anyone can get pregnant, carry a baby to term, and have a drama free delivery. I feel so jealous when I see pregnant women who are clearly close to term and are still up and moving, and it frustrates me in hindsight that my body couldn't do that with Nick. I know we will likely never have another biological baby, but I still wish my childbirth experiences could have ended on a happier note.
