Father’s Day in the NICU

Tomorrow is Father’s Day,and I have read a lot about how it’s important to acknowledge how the nicu and a high risk pregnancy impacts a father. Even though I think it’s hard to critique how one handles the nicu because, in spite of the warnings from my doctors about the likelihood of Nick coming prematurely, I don’t think it’s really possible to be prepared for everything the nicu entails. During my time on bed rest, I know the stress of having to be both mom and dad, on top of having a job that requires frequent out of state travel, took its toll on Cory. We depended on the help of our parents to help care for our kids and run our house so that Cory would have time to work, especially when I was in the hospital. In addition to picking our kids up after school so that Cory could keep working, doing our laundry, cooking meals for us, etc, my parents would frequently pick up Annabelle and Graham for dinner so that Cory could come to the hospital to be with me (and, equally as important, bring me food from the outside. The only food I liked from the hospital was French toast, so I ate that whenever Cory couldn’t smuggle me in something a tad more edible.) With everything Cory was dealing with, and with my isolation in the hospital, this was the time when we really got to talk. Most of the time, we obsessed about when I would be able to come home (in December, it was when the bleeding would stop, and for the two days I was in the hospital in February before Nick was born, it was how long I would last until I went into labor.) We never really talked about how risky my pregnancy was, mostly because I don’t think I ever really processed how bleak it looked at times. Usually, my husband would stress about work, which I think was his way of handling the stress of balancing everything on his own and having me in the hospital. It was hard for me to help him, because there was nothing anyone could do to help my situation or predict how everything would turn out. Early in the morning the day Nick was born, I called my husband to tell him my bleeding was increasing and that I thought today would be the day Nick would be born. As soon as he dropped our kids at school, which was when I was signing the c section consent form and being told to stop eating and drinking, just in case. When the doctor decided to do the c section, I was taken back to the OR to be prepped to surgery, and Cory was kept in a different room until right before the procedure began. For the first ten minutes or so of the surgery before Nick was born, Cory and I were completely silent. I, at least, was scared to death, and it was obviously such a different birthing experience than it was for our other two. With Annabelle and Graham, Cory and I were both laughing and talking during their births and the mood was so light. After Nick was born and was being assessed by the nicu team, Cory was able to see him for the first time and take pictures of him, and I remember asking how little he was. I held Nick for the first time later that night, but, because he was busy with our kids, Cory didn’t actually hold him until the following night. One of the things that I did poorly in hindsight was to take into account how Nick’s prematurity affected Cory. In the immediate days after his birth, I had a one track mind. I was his mother, and Nick needed me. Cory tried to calm me down and convince me that I didn’t need to be with him at all times, but I was as obsessed with being near him as I was devestated that Nick wasn’t at home with me. Cory understood that, so he frequently let me go to the hospital while he stayed back with the kids. When he wasn’t traveling, I would go to see Nick in the morning, be home in time to take our kids to school, go back as often as I could during the day, and be back again after our kids went to sleep. This meant Cory would need to stay back with our kids, and, because of work and travel, he would sometimes go days without seeing Nick. It was so selfish of me to not offer to be home with our kids more so that Cory could go to the hospital. I would always offer to stay back, but Cory and I both knew it wasn’t heartfelt. Far longer than I should have, I didn’t care how badly any other family member wanted to be with Nick. I was his mother, and I had to be with him. End of story. I knew Cory wasn’t having as hard of a time with the nicu as I was, so I assumed he was ok with letting me have more time with Nick, but I didn’t ask. Usually Cory and I are very honest and open with each other, and I would have relented if he would have demanded to see Nick more, but since he knew how much I was hurting, he let it be. He missed out on a lot of early days with Nick as a newborn because of me, but, in truth he didn’t have the obsession of being there like I did. I thought that meant he was ok with it, but I should have asked.