Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts

The most frustrating part of recovering from my high-risk pregnancy and our experience in the NICU has been that I can't stop thinking about it. Literally. When I wake up in the morning, I tell myself that I'm not going to think about the NICU today, that I will catch myself when my brain starts to wander and change my thinking to focus on something more productive, and I will take measures to help myself move past the NICU (such as exercise, cleaning, new projects, etc.) But, it's hard. During the day when I am minding my own business, I will suddenly start thinking about the moments before my c-section. I hate that my mind has been doing this, because 1.I am so tired of thinking the same thoughts again and again, 2. It gives me anxiety to relive all these traumatic events, and 3. I know I need and want to move on with my life

I replay the same thing over and over in my mind-ultrasounds, appointments when we found out bad news, waking up and finding out I had had another bleed, the c-section, etc, and it's exhausting and frustrating and harder to stop thinking about than it might seem. At first, I didn't realize how obsessed with my pregnancy I had become, and it wasn't until recently (see my post about Christmas!) that thinking about these thoughts started giving me anxiety. Now that it is getting closer to the anniversary of my first bleed, I know the anxiety around these days it only going to increase. I have started training for a half marathon, doing yoga when I can, I applied to grad school, have started volunteering at my daughter's school, and am considering finding a maternity leave position for after Christmas,all in part because they are activities that will keep my brain occupied. I'm one of those people that has an obsessive need to stay busy and I like having a full schedule, and it's almost a relief to have something to focus on because it gives my brain a break from thinking about my pregnancy.

I have written a lot about guilt on my blog, and experiencing these obsessive and intrusive thoughts is one more thing for me to feel guilty about, which brings about it's own set of negative feelings. I know it is a legitimate miracle that Nick survived my pregnancy, and that I was able to hang in there until 30 weeks, when he was no longer at risk for the serious consequences of prematurity. I know we are unbelievably lucky that his stay in the NICU was so smooth, that he is healthy and thriving, and that whenever it seems like we are encountering a setback (like his gastro problems or temporary developmental delays,) he has always been able to overcome it. I am almost 30, and the older I get, the more aware I am of women who have lost a child, either through stillbirth or miscarriage, women who have been trying for years to conceive on their own, and women who have babies born weeks earlier than Nick. Compared to what so many women go through, I feel embarrassed to be having such a hard time emotionally recovering from my pregnancy. As crazy and horrible as my pregnancy was with Nick, it ultimately ended in a healthy baby, so what do I really have to complain about?

I am a big believer in the idea that things happen for a reason. I believe the hardships we encounter in life are all part of a greater plan, and I absolutely believe everything that has happened throughout the past year was meant to happen, for whatever the reason. I started this blog originally to share updates with my family when Nick was still in the hospital, but it morphed into a platform to share my writing with a large audience, which led to four of my articles being published. I became active in the March of Dimes because I wanted to help other moms like me, and led to me having the opportunity to advocate for preemie families on Capitol Hill. All of these "successes" have made me even more confident that my pregnancy happened for a reason, but now I'm worried that everything that has come from my pregnancy is a product of my obsession/preoccupation/PTSD, which makes everything I am doing unhealthy in a way. I am trying to take a step back from the NICU emotionally, but it is a challenge that I am trying to find a way to work through. Any tips or advice is appreciated!