Homecoming Day

My baby came home from the NICU this past Sunday, and it was as perfect as I knew it would be. The thing that kept Nick in the hospital so long was the bradycardia events, and the requirement that he go five days without any incidents. He had his last Brady at 3am on Tuesday the 3rd, and before that, the longest he had went Brady free was just over 48 hours. Once we got to Friday without any events, it started to become real that he was actually going to come home. The nurses had told me the stories about babies who go five days with no alarms, but have one right before discharge, which then reset the countdown, but there was no way I wasn’t going to get my hopes up. On Saturday night, Nick passed his car seat test, which is when he sits strapped in his car seat for 90 minutes to make sure his heart could handle being in that position for an extended period of time (which is something that never occurred to me.) That was his last hurdle to pass, and, assuming that he didn’t have an alarm during my the night, I knew he would be coming home in the morning.

The night before was like Christmas Eve meets the moments before you walk down the aisle of your wedding meets searching for your husband among formations of soldiers who have just gotten home for a nine month deployment. I went into nesting over drive (8 weeks post delivery), and stayed up late cleaning and decluttering my house. It is so hard to  describe how exhilarating it was to know that I needed to vacuum because Nick would be doing tummy time on our carpet soon. It’s the little things, like washing bottles to be ready for middle of the night feedings( that I had missed out with him so far that I was only hours away from getting to experience. My baby was coming home.

On Sunday morning; we got to the hospital as soon as daily rounds began. Luckily for us, there were no new admits or other babies getting ready to be discharged, so we were able to begin out processing Nick right away. The neonatologist did one final assessment of Nick, and his day shift nurse went over final discharge instructions. I packed up the blankets, books, and decorations that had made his room feel like home over the past 53 days, and that was that.

I was doing a decent job holding it together until one of the older nurses asked me to evaluate the care we had received during our stay in the NICU, and to name any nurses that had done an exceptionally good job caring for Nick. The depth of the gratitude I feel for Nick’s nurses and the extent with which I appreciate and love them was probably the most emotional aspect of this experience, so of course I started balling. Hugging his main nurses and trying to thank them between ugly, snotty tears was hard (thankfully, I had hand written cards ready for them that did a much better job of expressing myself). Before we left, I gave the basket I had prepared for the NICU staff, and delivered the other basket to the nurses in my old home in the antepartum wing, which had been home to so many tense and scary nights.

 Leaving the hospital was kind of like the feeling you get when you go back to visit your alma mater  and every  inch of  campus brings back a memory. The NICU and the antepartim floor are home to so many vivid and intensely emotional memories, it felt almost sad and definitely very weird to be leaving it behind in our past. After seeing the blood on my OB’s gloves and seeing the reflections of all her instruments used during my c section reflected on the light above me during the procedure, Cory and I are very done having children, so to think that I might only be back in this side of the hospital to visit new babies that I haven’t given birth to is sua strange feeling that I can’t quite put my finger on. We’ve became friends with Nick’s nurses, and I will genuinely miss them and even our doctors as well (it’s also super weird to think I will only see my OB from now on for yearly exams and check ups.)

When I first learned I was pregnant with Nick, I imagined Annabelle and Graham meeting him in the hospital in cute matching brother and sister t shirts. Graham is too young and laid back to ever understand what was going on, but Annabelle never really seemed to get why she couldn’t see Nick right away and why I kept having to go to the hospital. It took a toll on her and led to some acting out and behavioral problems in preschool, so seeing Annabelle and Graham finally get to meet their brother was a beautiful moment that I had envisioned over and over in my head.

Nick’s homecoming was such a special day, but, like everything else in this experience, part of me continues to feel guilty that brought home a healthy, seven pound baby after only 8 weeks in the NICU. The doctor warned us that it may be years before we realize the extent with which his prematurity has affected  him (in terms of a higher risk for autism, learning disabilities, or other developmental delays), at this moment there is a healthy baby sleeping in a bassinet just steps away from me, and I am in awe and so grateful that I have been given the chance to watch him grow.